The "Benefits" of Un-forgiveness

by Paul Tripp

Why don’t people just forgive? That’s a very good question. If forgiveness is easier and more beneficial, why isn’t it more popular? The sad reality is that there’s short-term, relationally destructive power in refusing to forgive. Holding onto the others wrongs gives us the upper hand in our relationships. We keep a record of wrongs because we’re not motivated by what honors God and is best for others, but by what’s expedient for ourselves. Here are some of the dark “benefits” of unforgiveness.

1) Debt is power. There’s power in having something to hold over another’s head. There’s power in using a person’s weakness and failure against him or her. In moments when we want our own way, we pull out some wrong against us as our relational trump card.

2) Debt is identity. Holding onto another's sin, weakness, and failure makes us feel superior to them. It allows us to believe that we’re more righteous and mature than they are. We fall into the pattern of getting our sense of self, not by the comfort and call of the Gospel, but by comparing ourselves to another. This pattern plays into the self-righteousness that’s the struggle of every sinner.

3) Debt is entitlement. Because of all the other person's wrongs against us, he or she owes us. Carrying these wrongs makes us feel deserving and therefore comfortable with being self-focused and demanding. “After all I’ve had to endure in relationship with you, don’t I
deserve ... ?”

4) Debt is weaponry. The sins and failures that another's done against us, that we still carry around with us, are like a loaded gun; it’s very tempting to pull them out and use them when we’re angry. When someone's hurt us in some way, it’s very tempting to hurt them back by throwing it in their face just how evil and immature they are.

5) Debt puts us in God’s position. It’s the one place that we must never be; but it’s also a position that we’ve all put ourselves in. We’re not the judge of others. We’re not the one who should dispense consequences for others sin. It’s not our job to make sure they feel the appropriate amount of guilt for what they’ve done. But it’s very tempting to ascend to God’s throne and to make ourselves judge.

This is nasty stuff. It’s a relational lifestyle driven by ugly selfishness. It’s motivated by what we want, what we think we need, and by what we feel. It’s nothing to do with a desire to please God with the way we live with one another, and it surely has nothing to do with what it means to love others in the midst of their struggle to live God’s way in this broken world. It’s also is scarily blind. We’re so focused on the failures of others that we’re blind to ourselves. We forget how often we fail, how much sin mars everything we do, and how desperately we need the grace that we’re given daily, but unwilling to offer to others. This way of living turns the people in our lives into our adversaries and turns the locations where we live into a war zone.

Yet we’ve all been seduced by the power of unforgiveness. We’ve all used the sin of another against him or her. We’ve all acted as judges. We’ve all thought we’re more righteous than the people around us. We’ve all used the power of guilt to get what we want when we want it and in so doing have not only done serious damage to the fine china of our relationships, but have demonstrated how much we need forgiveness.

It seems almost too obvious to say, but forgiveness is a much better way. The grace of our salvation is the ultimate argument for this truth. Forgiveness is the only way to live in an intimate, long-term relationship with another sinner. Forgiveness is the only way to negotiate through the weakness and failure that will daily mark your relationships. It’s the only way to deal with hurt and disappointment. Forgiveness is the only way to have hope and confidence restored. It’s the only way to protect your love and reinforce the unity that you've built. Forgiveness is the only way to not be kidnapped by the past. It’s the only way to give your relationships the blessing of fresh starts and new beginnings. Grace, forgiving grace, really is a much, much better way. So isn't it wonderful to know that you’ve not only been called to forgive, but you’ve also been graced with everything you need to answer this call.

Paul Tripp is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a nonprofit organization whose mission statement is "Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life." Tripp is also professor of pastoral life and care at Redeemer Seminary in Dallas, Texas, and executive director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas. Tripp has written many books on Christian living that are read and distributed internationally. He has been married for many years to Luella, and they have four grown children. For more information, visit http/www.paultrippministries.org/store. 

Pastor May’s Commentary

“Forgiveness is the most powerful thing that you can do for your physiology and your spirituality.  Yet, it remains one of the least attractive things to us, largely because our egos rule so unequivocally.  To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness. Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds.” ~Wayne Dyer

Jesus talks about forgiveness in several biblical scriptures. “Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

 Matthew 6:9-15  "This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us today our daily bread.  Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. ' For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Mark 11:25-26 25 And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.  26 But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses."

This is a simple concept that God has put in place.  God’s forgiveness is predicated on OUR forgiveness of others!

 Furthermore, if you look at Mark 11:22-25, you will see that un-forgiveness hinders you faith. 

22 Jesus responded to them, “Have faith in God! 23  I assure you that whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be lifted up and thrown into the sea’—and doesn’t waver but believes that what is said will really happen—it will happen. 24  Therefore I say to you, whatever you pray and ask for, believe that you will receive it, and it will be so for you. 25  And whenever you stand up to pray, if you have something against anyone, forgive so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your wrongdoings.”  (CEB)

Verse 24: Whatever you want, ask for it (pray) and believe, Verse 25 And (also) when you pray, if you have something against someone, forgive, so that God will forgive you. 

Forgiveness cleanses yourself from asking for things while you have in your heart thoughts of ego, revenge, pride, selfishness, envy, strife or jealousness.   These things prevent you from having faith in God.  Faith is trusting in the total reliability of God, regardless of what the situation looks like, what it seems to be, or what it feels like!  It is disregarding the natural and trusting in the supernatural.   

“Without faith, it is impossible to please God.”(Hebrews 11:6)

There isn’t one human being in this world who hasn’t been hurt or injured emotionally by someone they knew and trusted.  It’s not that we can’t forgive, it’s more that we don’t want to.   unforgiveness is a sign of weakness.  Weak people don’t forgive.  It is easier to allow the things that hurt you to fester in your heart and mind.  It gives you a counterfeit feeling of “relief” when you get revenge from those who have harmed you.  However, remember when you seek revenge, you rob God of his justice.  “..for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)  “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”  

Give yourself the gift of Forgiveness! 

Satan will put into your head, “Why should I forgive them for what they did to me? I want them to suffer as much as I did!”  He (Satan) wants you to be disobedient to God.  It’s not that you are doing them a favor by letting go the feelings of resentment; you are being obedient to God’s Word.  And with obedience comes Blessings! 

“28 But he said, Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God, and keep it.”(Luke 11:2) 

Allow yourself to receive this gift, and even though Satan’s irritating voice inside your head will try to convince you not to do it, listen to the Holy Spirit.

The moment you let-go of any grudges you are holding on to, any resentments, any remorse; then you will find peace of mind.  When you say to yourself, it’s time to forgive! It’s time to forgive all of them and it’s time to forgive myself for not allowing peace to enter into my life earlier.  This will be the moment your whole life will began to change.  God bless!